Feeling Lonely..

pipi: i have never realise the meaning of loneliness until recently. All the while, no matter how alone i was, i perservere in late hours in the office by my own, with the thought of mouseC in my mind. "There's a difference between having someone to hold on in your life and having no one to hold on in your life". It motivates you, it gives you strength, it's like a pillar of support no matter how tired you are. I was determined to succeed, to perform, and right now, it's just waiting for time to pass, for the contract to finish, to get out of this so-called "happy" place. It just brings me all the unhappy memories of life and guilt towards my relationship with mouseC. Trapped in this west-bound island, with little mouseC at the east bound island, feeling lost and don't know what to do, i bear the most responsibility.

pipi: Went for a jog last night, same routine of tears again. Coz it's dark at night, jogging along the roads, nobody can see it anyway. The thought of "cherish", of "turning back time", of "guilt", of "his every moment whenever i feel him as i bypass alot of places" makes me down. I'm the one who makes him not knowing his backview anymore (based on his blog which he writes very good poems). I started asking myself : When was the last time i did something for him? Tried brainstorming, the zirca thing came out. And before that? Long pauses of thoughts, flashes of going arcade see him play his favourite iori and other arcade games, the one and only long forgotten big bowl maggi noodles which he slurped and burp after that, the good old times when i was his favourite "bolster", hugging him from his back and massaging him while he play his DOTA game, not forgetting the times he plug his game to TV for me to view, rollerblading days where he loves jumping on humps and holding me whenever i fall, whenever we tried rushing back to the shops becoz the rental times were up, taking long walks and chatting about things happening in life. He always have this excited look about showing something that he has chosen like clothes and asking me for opinions. I'm just a meanie who always shoot whatever i feel it's on my mind. I suddenly recalled saying something like this. [ He said:" Since when you wear so high heels de?" Then i replied :" How can i wear high heels when i will be taller than you?" ] That kills him, and i feel like such a bitch when i recall about it. The movies we love to go, the food we loves to eat (always eating all the same old food on usual places we go), his sianz look when my eyes glitter whenever i walk past Starbucks, his warm hands whenever he holds me, he will rub my hands whenever i said i feel cold in cinemas, always gently adding a word "Weak!!" whenever he did that. He will always put his hands around our standing area in a crowded MRT to prevent pple from knocking into me, he smiles at the least funniest joke i ever mention and always said that " i love you coz you are unique..and funny" sigh... from describing about things i do for him ends up more on things he did for me. He's a very well-natured and caring person. All the IT things i always tend to look up to him. i have taken all these for granted in the past. I even lost his $10 just now. DAMM..all the exam breaks, days we study together, see him playing at lanshops, playing mahjongs, going for BBQs, celebrating his birthdays, my birthdays, our anniversaries, valentines, my heart is feeling very sore.. it is bleeding becoz all these has now become only his past memories, no longer something that he wish to capture now..

pipi: so cold.....It has been cold since last night, perhaps i have got a cold, coz i'm airing my room without aircon again. I feel sad about candy, after browsing through her pictures, her bubbly smile is gone, what's that's left is her sleeping pills, her tired face, her dark eye rings below her big round eyes. At least whatever she post on FB, her ex bf actually cares. He's still encouraging her. For me? Talking to everyone except him. MouseC is like a wall, he does not response at all. Perhaps he ignore all my notifications. He doesn't need me anymore, he has plenty of friends to talk to now, to confide in. They are young, vibrant, pretty and share the same interests as him. What's me to him? A nobody. Someone he would not even flip his eye if he were to see me in public just like a stranger. Where's our common interest? Gone in the tkd days..His stone cold heart has make me realise how much i have disappointed him. Everytime i refuse to go to his place, how he look at me with that pair of disappointed eyes. That pair of hurtful eyes sting in my heart now, I have done enough damage to him. This is my karma, my retribution, it's fated that i stay single forever.

pipi: I miss him. If only he can miss me a little, its alot more than i can ask for. Right now, disturbing him only makes things worse, he rather go to his friends than to look for me. I'm waiting for him to speak about his problems, but i guess i'm no longer his "dear kelly". Maybe the rest of my life is just spent on talking to a computer and consoling myself. Time for work..
MouseC, if you "hear", i really want you to do well. I'm saving up for your present, for your 1st class honours, and even if you have someone else next time, i will be forever here and here and here and here for you. *hugs*