Feeling Lonely..

pipi: i have never realise the meaning of loneliness until recently. All the while, no matter how alone i was, i perservere in late hours in the office by my own, with the thought of mouseC in my mind. "There's a difference between having someone to hold on in your life and having no one to hold on in your life". It motivates you, it gives you strength, it's like a pillar of support no matter how tired you are. I was determined to succeed, to perform, and right now, it's just waiting for time to pass, for the contract to finish, to get out of this so-called "happy" place. It just brings me all the unhappy memories of life and guilt towards my relationship with mouseC. Trapped in this west-bound island, with little mouseC at the east bound island, feeling lost and don't know what to do, i bear the most responsibility.

pipi: Went for a jog last night, same routine of tears again. Coz it's dark at night, jogging along the roads, nobody can see it anyway. The thought of "cherish", of "turning back time", of "guilt", of "his every moment whenever i feel him as i bypass alot of places" makes me down. I'm the one who makes him not knowing his backview anymore (based on his blog which he writes very good poems). I started asking myself : When was the last time i did something for him? Tried brainstorming, the zirca thing came out. And before that? Long pauses of thoughts, flashes of going arcade see him play his favourite iori and other arcade games, the one and only long forgotten big bowl maggi noodles which he slurped and burp after that, the good old times when i was his favourite "bolster", hugging him from his back and massaging him while he play his DOTA game, not forgetting the times he plug his game to TV for me to view, rollerblading days where he loves jumping on humps and holding me whenever i fall, whenever we tried rushing back to the shops becoz the rental times were up, taking long walks and chatting about things happening in life. He always have this excited look about showing something that he has chosen like clothes and asking me for opinions. I'm just a meanie who always shoot whatever i feel it's on my mind. I suddenly recalled saying something like this. [ He said:" Since when you wear so high heels de?" Then i replied :" How can i wear high heels when i will be taller than you?" ] That kills him, and i feel like such a bitch when i recall about it. The movies we love to go, the food we loves to eat (always eating all the same old food on usual places we go), his sianz look when my eyes glitter whenever i walk past Starbucks, his warm hands whenever he holds me, he will rub my hands whenever i said i feel cold in cinemas, always gently adding a word "Weak!!" whenever he did that. He will always put his hands around our standing area in a crowded MRT to prevent pple from knocking into me, he smiles at the least funniest joke i ever mention and always said that " i love you coz you are unique..and funny" sigh... from describing about things i do for him ends up more on things he did for me. He's a very well-natured and caring person. All the IT things i always tend to look up to him. i have taken all these for granted in the past. I even lost his $10 just now. DAMM..all the exam breaks, days we study together, see him playing at lanshops, playing mahjongs, going for BBQs, celebrating his birthdays, my birthdays, our anniversaries, valentines, my heart is feeling very sore.. it is bleeding becoz all these has now become only his past memories, no longer something that he wish to capture now..

pipi: so cold.....It has been cold since last night, perhaps i have got a cold, coz i'm airing my room without aircon again. I feel sad about candy, after browsing through her pictures, her bubbly smile is gone, what's that's left is her sleeping pills, her tired face, her dark eye rings below her big round eyes. At least whatever she post on FB, her ex bf actually cares. He's still encouraging her. For me? Talking to everyone except him. MouseC is like a wall, he does not response at all. Perhaps he ignore all my notifications. He doesn't need me anymore, he has plenty of friends to talk to now, to confide in. They are young, vibrant, pretty and share the same interests as him. What's me to him? A nobody. Someone he would not even flip his eye if he were to see me in public just like a stranger. Where's our common interest? Gone in the tkd days..His stone cold heart has make me realise how much i have disappointed him. Everytime i refuse to go to his place, how he look at me with that pair of disappointed eyes. That pair of hurtful eyes sting in my heart now, I have done enough damage to him. This is my karma, my retribution, it's fated that i stay single forever.

pipi: I miss him. If only he can miss me a little, its alot more than i can ask for. Right now, disturbing him only makes things worse, he rather go to his friends than to look for me. I'm waiting for him to speak about his problems, but i guess i'm no longer his "dear kelly". Maybe the rest of my life is just spent on talking to a computer and consoling myself. Time for work..
MouseC, if you "hear", i really want you to do well. I'm saving up for your present, for your 1st class honours, and even if you have someone else next time, i will be forever here and here and here and here for you. *hugs*

Missing him badly. Is he doing well for his project?

pipi: *looks at her hp - scrutinize his picture**He as such a glowy and cheerful face in the picture* Are you ok my dear? Have you been sleeping well and eating well? Are you coping well with your project? You must be very vexed, with all the shifting of house and doing of project and going for dance at the same time. Doing the dance thing at this moment seems too much for this coming exam, i thought you might want to consider and focus on your papers first. You told me before you don't do things half way, you will make them well all the way. But the mention of you telling me that your prelim grades are average as compared to the past makes me worried about you. I feel like asking you for your exam timetable so that times when i miss you terribly, i will not disturb you but i don't dare. I'm afraid that you might find me irritating. To do that in the first place is irritating, but i thought if i know your schedule, at least i can wish you good luck for every paper.

pipi: Maybe dance is your way of relaxation, maybe you prefer to meet up with friends more. I am also your friend. Anytime you need me, i can be there. But it seems like you are afraid to meet me. You are afraid that i will beg you to come back to me. I promise i won't. I want you to be happy. I'm just afraid that you might find me bothering you like a parasite, sms-ing you at 5am in the morning telling you i can't sleep. I can't control myself, because i simply cannot sleep. Even if i do fall asleep, i keep having nightmares, nightmares of me going for events in school and other places and you left me. The images keep re-appearing in my brain. Whatever i want now doesn't matter. Whatever that is most important now is you. I want you to do well for your papers, to get your first class, to graduate with headhunters sourcing you. I want to see you smile.

pipi: i know i'm just talking to air. Afterall, this blog has been dead for sometime. It's ok, at least i can "talk" to you. I use my heart and "talk" to you, with this tiny wheeny hope that this hope will travel to your heart the next time. it's ok that i cry, that i'm sad, that i'm lonely. At least i let out my thoughts to you. Maybe you will feel it somehow. When your eyelid twitch, it's me thinking of you. Thinking about what you are doing right now. :) I'm not crazy, it's better to say out rather than coop it all in my heart. I'm a stubborn person, my friends know me well, they do not dare to disturb me at this crucial period of time.

pipi: Everywhere i walk (except this damm sch), memories of you linger. I took escalator, i rem you always let me lean on your chest and you practice your popping. You also love to rest your chin on my big head. I feel like crying again, just cannot stop thinking about you. It's my fault that you want to end it. It's all my fault that your heart dies. I'm a damm bloody self centered girl, didn't realise the times you are really lonely, didn't realise that you want my company when you go out with your dance mates. Love going pizza huts, cafe cartels, 18 chefs, lan shops pratas with you. I love to see you enjoying your food coz you are always smiling. I love to hear you talk about how you intend to practise your dance movements, how you learn new chinese songs, how the DOTA game is affecting you, how you pawn them, how your like the hair that james has done for you. I regret taking this job, that time you said "so far", i should have realise it will be quite difficult for you to meet me now that you know i'm working so far away. We are both trying to be considerate towards 1 another, no no no, i should say only you. Coz i forgot you are lonely at home. I will leave after may contract ends. I hope to spend more time with you, even though i am only now your friend. I yearn to see the happy you again.

pipi: I think i stop right now. coz it's hard to do illegal things in the office...i miss you my dear, i realli do. you are not replying me in msn again, its ok, i see you happily playing mousehunt will do. Maybe you are playing the henegg game again. I am trying to master that as well. *hugs*

20 March 2010

19 March 2010 : Depressing birthday.

Crying factor: 2 stars

20 March 2010 : Depressing day.

Crying factor: 5 stars

21 March 2010 : Drag herself to work.

Crying factor: 3 stars

22 March 2010 : Still living in her own disbelief world

Crying factor: 3 stars

23 March 2010 : Cannot sleep at all.

Crying factor: 4 stars

24 March 2010 : In a daze of such happenings. He did not change his mind.

Crying factor: 4 stars

25 March 2010 : Lost all motivation in work.

Crying factor: 3 stars

26 March 2010 : Walking zombie.

Crying factor : 4 stars

27 March : Lost her sleep again.

Crying factor : 4 stars

28 March : Lost control of herself. He was neither moved nor touched.

Crying factor : 5 stars

29 March : In a daze again. Too depressed. Met up with a friend and drank 1 shot.

Crying factor : 4 stars

After he's gone, everything else in the world seems to dim. I never realise how important he is in my heart until he finally call it quits. There was so much regrets, so much sadness, so much fear, so much uncertainty. How to believe in something when there's no goal to begin with? I want him back so badly but he did not seem to feel it. All he wanted was to stick to his decision, to move on with life. "I am sorry", was all i could say to him, and suffer my retribution in my deepest dark world by living in hell, living in loneliness. All these loneliness were experienced by him for these past few months, while i was burying my head in all the work. I know it's not an excuse for me, i could have make time for him but i didn't. I was very broke, did not feel like spending all his money whenever we go out. There were hardly days whereby i can rest, with most of the saturdays taken for events happening in my job so the only weekend i spend it at home, neglecting the poor boy at home. I feel like a loser. I feel like a bitch. I'm the cause of everything. Now i tio my own karma, and it feels terrible. Very terrible.........

He still laughs whenever he talks to me. I enjoyed that part of conversation with him alot. I hope he can be happy whenever he's with me, that even he does not treat me as a friend, he can at least look at me with a pair of happy eyes. It's ok to keep crying, so long as he's happy when he's with me. I don't ask for much anymore, i just want him to be happy again. I hope he will not provide me with a pair of disgruntled look when i bring food to him, because that's the best i could do now. I wanted to go view his flashmob performance, but i'm afraid that he might not be happy. I can only perform as a secret eye now, to view him from a corner, hoping that everything is ok for him. I don't know how to keep myself from crying, living everyday seems hard. Thanks to the buddy today who spend it with me. I appreciate that you hear this old lady nag. I try not to disturb others as i seldom ask them to go out, would not want to trouble others but if i were to stay at home, i would cry even more than i tear in public.

I'm feeling tired now, he is ignoring me again. Maybe he's getting grumpy today over his project. I hope he can do well, so i'm trying not to disturb him from his project. Poor boy is moving house soon, quite untimely as he is cooped up with so many things on hand. Hope that he can finish it soon, buddha pls pray that he can do well, i know he doesnt believe in luck but he truly deserves the 1st class honours for all the hard work he has done.

Jiayou mouseC, jiayou jiayou jiayou. pipi will support u always and be there for you. Pls don't ignore me or loathe my presence will do. That's all i can ask for.